How to Have a Threesome: A Beginner’s Guide

Heard of a threesome? We’re willing to bet you have. In the world of pop culture, threesomes stand apart as an amazing achievement. Participating in a threesome purports to earn a person's respect and set them apart as a sex god.

In reality, however, threesomes can be daunting. Opening up your relationship to a third, being vulnerable with a potential stranger, and introducing a whole extra person’s emotions into a relationship can be complex. With proper planning, however, a threesome can be an eye-opening and sexually gratifying experience.

Interested in a threesome but unsure where to start? Read on for our beginner’s guide that explores how to have a threesome, how to prepare for a threesome, and what to do in a threesome.

What’s a Threesome?

So, what is a threesome, and what does a threesome mean? A threesome, also known as a ménage à trois, is a common term for a sexual encounter between three people. Many find threesomes to be an exciting and eye-opening experience. Not only are they a chance to double sensation and sexual pleasure, but they’re also an opportunity to learn more about yourself and your partners.¹

Threesomes can happen between people of any gender; they may include two men and a woman, two women and a man, three people of the same gender, and non-binary people, too. Participants in a threesome can engage in a range of capacities. Some may give and receive sexual pleasure, some may only give or receive sexual pleasure, and some may simply watch. Threesomes may not even include penetrative sex. Some have threesomes virtually, via video chat or sexting. It’s up to the threesome’s participants to determine how they would like to engage.

Are You Ready for a Threesome?

Pop culture depicts threesomes as universally gratifying experiences and a goal for all sexually active adults to “achieve.” In reality, threesomes can be an emotionally charged scenario, especially if you and your partner are inviting a third into your established relationship. Including a third person in an intimate and vulnerable act like sex can potentially bring up feelings like jealousy, discomfort, and hurt, which is why it’s important to know how to prepare for a threesome.

Before setting up your ménage à trois, it’s important to consider if you’re ready. In most cases, your first threesome shouldn’t be a spontaneous decision. Instead, you and your partner should thoroughly think through the following:

Why do you want to have a threesome? Do you want a new sexual experience, or do you simply want the bragging rights? In most cases, you shouldn’t engage in a sexual act to simply check an item off your list. Be honest with yourself about what you’re looking for.
How is the state of your relationship? Some look to threesomes to try and qualm jealousies or fix a relationship that’s already on the rocks. If these are the motivations behind your threesome, it’s likely to only do further damage.

How to Set Up a Threesome

Before getting to your threesome, there’s a lot of less-than-sexy work to do. Having a successful threesome is all about proper communication. Once you and your partner are both confident that you’re ready for a threesome, it’s time to iron out the details. Here’s how to prepare for a threesome:²

Who to invite: The first element to determine is who you’d like to have a threesome with. Would you prefer to have a threesome with someone you already know, or would you like to find a stranger to have a threesome with? Each option comes with its own pros and cons. Before talking to anyone outside your relationship about your threesome, make sure you’re in agreement first.
Where to have it: Some may be reluctant to invite a third into the sanctity of their bedroom. The good news is, you don’t have to! Have a threesome at a third place, a hotel, or anywhere else you’re comfortable with.
How to engage: Remember, threesomes don’t mean penetrative sex for all. Threesomes should only include acts that you’re comfortable with. You, your partner, and your third can all decide how you’d like to engage.

Once you’ve decided on your game plan, it’s time to invite your third. This can be the tricky part. There’s no “right” way to ask someone if they’d like to have a threesome; it’s really a matter of feeling the situation out. In some cases, you may have the type of relationship with your third that simply allows you to ask them flat out. If not, you may want to ease into the question over a few weeks. The only “must” is to respect your prospective third’s decision. If they’re not comfortable with the idea, don’t push it. It’s back to the drawing board to find a new third.

Tips for Having a Successful Threesome

Threesomes may look like fun, but they can be tricky situations. Follow these tips on what to do in a threesome and how to prepare for the best possible outcome.

Set Your Intention

Before embarking on your threesome, it’s important to set your intentions, both independently and as a couple. We don’t just mean setting your intention to have sex, but identifying what you hope to gain out of this experience.

In the world of threesomes, there are many “good” reasons to have a threesome and some “bad.” A threesome is a great way to explore and learn about your sexuality, discover more about yourself and your partner, bring excitement to a solid relationship, or even fulfill a long-held fantasy. A threesome is not a good way to repair a crumbling relationship, distract you and your partner from addressing issues between the two of you, or calm jealousies.

Consider your intentions and share them with your partner. Discuss any concerns that arise and be open and honest with one another. Simply having this conversation alone may increase your connection in build intimacy in your relationship.

Set Boundaries

One of the top ways to have safer sex is to set boundaries. Setting boundaries for your threesome is a multi-step process. First, it’s important to discuss boundaries with your partner. Ask one another questions like:

What types of acts are you comfortable with doing? What acts are you comfortable with me doing?
What level of participation are you comfortable with? What level of my participation are you comfortable with?
Are there any downright “no’s?”
What happens if one of us gets uncomfortable? Can the other partner continue having sex?
What concerns come up for you?

These questions can help you define the parameters of your threesome and determine what is and isn’t okay with you and your partner.

Next, it’s time to discuss the same with your third. Remember, your third participant is as equal of a partner in this process as the two of you are. Their boundaries matter the same.

The final step to setting boundaries is simple: follow them. If something is off-limits, don’t do it. It’s as easy as that.

Establish a Safe Word

You may associate safe words with BDSM and types of sex that involve power dynamics, but they’re a useful addition to any sexual encounter. Safe words are the key to consent—and non-consent. They’re a quick and easy way to say, “I don’t consent to this.” A good safe word ensures all partners stay safe.

Speaking of a good safe word, not all words make good safe words. A safe word should be distinct from any word you might say during sex. For instance, “stop” may seem like an easy safe word, but what if a partner says, “Don’t stop?” There should be no question about whether a safe word was said. All partners should be able to instantly recognize it and know what it means.

Some ideas for good safe words include:

Locations: North Dakota, Florida, Texas
Funny words: Bingo, fluffernutter, ding dong
Cartoon characters: Spongebob, Mickey Mouse, Garfield

Stay Safe

Another key component of threesomes is knowing how to stay safe. Introducing a third partner into your bedroom increases the risk of spreading or contracting sexually transmitted infections. It’s important to get tested before engaging in any sexual activity and use barriers to prevent the spread of infection. Choosing the right condom is crucial, so make sure it fits well and is compatible with your lube. Use other barriers like internal condoms or dental dams as needed. Plus, don’t forget contraceptives. You can never be too safe!

Stay Open-Minded

As with any type of sex, it’s important to stay open-minded during a threesome. Not only might you be experiencing a new person’s body for the first time, but a threesome can bring up a lot of emotions and insecurities you may not expect. Keep an open mind towards yourself and your partners and communicate throughout the process. If something feels bad, stop. If something needs adjustment, say so. You’ll find that open communication and an open mind result in your best possible threesome.

Don't Forget About Aftercare

Once your threesome is over, the work isn’t done. There’s one very important step left: aftercare. Once your third is gone, it’s important to reconnect with your partner. Remind one another how much you love each other. Have an open conversation about your threesome. Address any insecurities that came up during the experience. Discuss whether you’d like to have one again. Remember, a threesome should be fun and eye-opening, not an emotionally damaging experience for any participants. If it wasn't for you or your partner, it may be time to explore something else.

Conclusion

So, what is a threesome? A threesome is a sexual encounter that involves three people, and can include individuals of any gender. Threesomes can be a great way to learn more about your sexual preferences and enjoy new sensations you might not get with a single partner. When considering a threesome, it’s important to ensure consent among all parties and to assess your relationship to ensure everyone is comfortable, as threesomes can lead to heightened emotions like jealousy or discomfort. For a successful threesome, set your intentions and boundaries, and make sure you’re safe and open-minded – they can be a truly eye-opening sexual endeavor for all parties involved!

References

1. Hunt, Ellen. The psychology of the threesome: everyone wants one, but who's truly ready for it? 2020. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/feb/11/threesomes-men-women-sex-psychology

2. Benoit, Sophia. How to Have a Successful Threesome, According to People Who Have a Lot of Them. 2019. https://www.gq.com/story/it-takes-three-to-make-a-thing-go-right