How Important is Sex in a Relationship

When it comes to sex, we often carry a lot of preconceived notions. Many people have strong opinions about what qualifies as sex, the types of sex couples should engage in, how frequently they should be intimate, and much more.

These ideas can come from various sources like media, pop culture, peers, family, religion, and many other influences. When you start to listen to outside influences, relationships can get confusing. It can start to feel like if the sex in your relationship doesn’t look like everyone else’s, you’re doing it wrong.

If you’re wondering about the role of sex in relationships and how it fits into yours, you’ve come to the right place. We're here to discuss the importance of sex in a relationship and help you discover the right balance that works best for you and your partner. Keep reading to learn more!

Why Sex Matters in a Relationship

With so much focus on sex in relationships, it can sometimes feel like it’s the glue that holds couples together. While science shows this might be true, it probably isn’t for the reasons you think.

The value of sex doesn’t come from the act of sex itself, but instead from the benefits that sex offers. Turns out, there are all sorts of things that come along with sex that can greatly strengthen a relationship.

Let’s talk about the “side effects” of sex to understand how important sex is in a relationship.

The Physical and Emotional Benefits of Sex

From a personal perspective, sex offers numerous benefits, including:

Better heart health: Research shows a correlation between frequent sex and lower instances of heart attacks. It can also lower blood pressure.¹
Stronger immune system: There’s some evidence that sex increases the prevalence of immunoglobulin A, a naturally occuring antibody that helps to fight viruses and bacteria.²
Lowers depression and anxiety: Sex releases “feel good” hormones like oxytocin and endorphins, which can counteract depression and anxiety and provide a general sense of well-being.
Lowers stress: The same feel good hormones also counteract cortisol, the body’s stress hormone.
Improves sleep: Orgasm releases prolactin, a hormone that provides feelings of satisfaction and relaxation and can contribute to deeper and more restful sleep.³ Prolactin is the reason you may feel so sleepy after sex.
May prevent prostate cancer: There is some evidence suggesting a link between frequent ejaculation in men and a reduced risk of prostate cancer. Researchers think that ejaculation, which pushes fluid from your prostate, may remove cancerous substances along with it.⁴

How Sex Strengthens Relationship Bonds

Sex isn’t just beneficial on a personal level, but it can strengthen relationships, too. Sex can:

Strengthen bonds: Oxytocin, a hormone released during sex, is also known as the “love hormone” due to its ability to improve trust and strengthen emotional bonds. Oxytocin can leave you feeling open and receptive to connection with your partner.
Build intimacy: There’s no two ways around it: sex can be vulnerable. It can bring up a lot of feelings surrounding self image, self esteem, desirability, and more. Having open and honest conversations about sex and being present during sex can increase comfort with vulnerability between couples and build intimacy and close connection. Vulnerability is like a muscle. The more vulnerable conversations you have, the easier it is to be vulnerable with one another.
Improve your understanding of your partner: As you have sex with your partner, you’ll start to know one another on a deeper level. Knowledge of these more intimate likes, dislikes, and more can improve your bond with your partner and bring you closer together.

Common Perspectives and Expectations

There are so many conventions surrounding the ideal frequency of sex. Should you be having it daily? Weekly? Monthly? What does it mean if you’re not having it as often as you’re supposed to? What does it mean if you’re having it more often?

One study explored whether having sex more frequently actually improved a couple’s sense of well-being. The results showed that while there was a significant increase in well-being when couples went from no sex to having sex once per week, increasing frequency beyond that had no further impact. This suggests that while sex plays an important role in a relationship, how often it happens may not be as crucial.⁵

Intimacy Beyond Sex

It’s easy to equate sex with intimacy, but that simply isn’t the case. Intimacy can be built from a range of different activities. Some are sexual in nature, but others aren’t sexual at all. These may include things like:

Sharing new experiences: Trying new things and learning new skills as a couple helps strengthen your bonds. You may find that new experiences require a level of vulnerability that makes you feel closer to your partner than ever before. Again, vulnerability is a muscle; practice it.
Consistent support: They’re called your partner for a reason. A significant part of partnership is providing support for one another. Open up with your significant other about struggles in your life, challenges you’re experiencing, and more. Give them the chance to be there for you and explore how that feels.
Active listening: We all need a sympathetic ear sometimes. True listening doesn’t just require hearing, but processing and responding. Listen to what your partner is saying and try to put yourself in their shoes. Think about how it might feel and respond accordingly. Show your partner that you care.
Deep conversations: It’s easy to revert to keeping it light and surface level, but true intimate connection doesn’t come from light conversation. Open up to your partner about deeper things, like hopes, wishes, fears, and more. This will not only build intimacy, but will help you understand one another on a deeper level, too.
Cuddling: Turns out, the same “love hormone” that’s released during orgasm is also released during cuddling. Non-sexual cuddling releases oxytocin, which strengthens emotional connection and builds bonds.
Spend quality time together: Especially if you’ve been together for a long time, it can be easy to slip into the habit of simply existing in the same space. Despite the fact that you may spend all of your time together, it may not be quality time. You can start by choosing a shared activity, such as cooking a meal together or watching a show. Again, being present is the difference between quality time, and simply time.

Understanding Sexual Desires and Needs

What’s right and wrong when it comes to sex? There can be a lot of pressure to try and fit what’s “normal” or “right”. But does that exist?

Finding the Right Balance for Your Relationship

In reality, there is no “right” or “wrong” way to have sex in relationships. It’s simply a matter of finding what works best for you and your partner. Most couples find that this varies greatly based on sex drive. You may find that your sex drives differ; your partner may have a higher or lower sex drive than you have.

You may also find that your sex drive changes over time—this, too, is perfectly normal. Sex drive can change for a number of reasons:

Increased levels of stress: Stress can not only decrease libido, but it can also make sexual performance difficult. Some may find that they have difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection during times of high stress.
Changes in mental health: Depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues that affect your general sense of well-being can also have a major impact on libido.
Changes in physical health: Health conditions that decrease energy levels can also decrease sex drive, as can declines in mental health that accompany declines in physical health.
Medications: Antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications, seizure medications, blood pressure medications, and more can all reduce sex drive.
Hormonal fluctuation: Hormones play a major role in arousal and their fluctuations can have a significant impact on sex drive. For instance, sex drive can vary greatly as hormones fluctuate during the menstrual cycle.

How do you find the right amount of sex for your relationship? It’s not exactly a science. You may find yourselves having more or less sex at certain times which is totally fine.

Where you can run into issues is when your sex drive and your partner’s sex drive varies greatly. In these cases, it’s a good idea to sit down and have a conversation about what an ideal sex life would be for each of you. You can then try to find somewhere in the middle that satisfies both of your needs.

Shultz, Steven, et al. "Masturbation and Sexual Satisfaction in College Students: The Role of Relationship Status." Journal of Sex Research, vol. 53, no. 3, 2016, pp. 277-286. PubMed Central, https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5052677/.
Exton, Melissa, et al. "Sexual Behavior, Relationship Satisfaction, and Prolactin Levels." Perceptual and Motor Skills, vol. 94, no. 3, 2002, pp. 839-844. Sage Journals, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.2466/pr0.94.3.839-844.
Horne, Z., and D. J. D. A. "The Relationship Between Prolactin Levels and Sexual Satisfaction." Hormones and Behavior, vol. 82, 2016, pp. 32-37. PubMed Central, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4901097/.
"Why More Sex May Lower Prostate Cancer Risk." Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health, 21 Jan. 2016, https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/why-more-sex-may-lower-prostate-cancer-risk/.
Wright, Timothy A., and John M. C. "The Impact of Sexual Activity on Prostate Cancer Risk." American Journal of Men's Health, vol. 10, no. 3, 2016, pp. 194-203. Sage Journals, https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/1948550615616462.