By Jen Anderson
Eager to infuse some sexploration into your love life? Here's where to start.
One of the great things about being in a relationship is getting to relax and have more fun in bed. But if you've always had sex the same old way (missionary again?) — or you've never put your fantasies into words — it can be hard to imagine suddenly discussing your fantasies openly with your partner, no matter how solid your relationship. "Hey, honey, let's try some role playing. You call me Sookie, I'll call you Bill, and don't bite me until I tell you to." Rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?
But think about it: If you can't express your private fantasies to the one person you're most intimate with, then who can you share them with? Sexploration — indulging your naughty side by acting your sexual fantasies together — is one the best (and most fun!) ways to bond with your partner. It requires trust and openness, of course — plus a healthy dose of adventure.
Still need some help working up the nerve to sexplore? Don't know where to start? Em & Lo, two of the web's leading sexperts & authors of 150 Shades of Play, say that, "there's nothing wrong with a little liquid courage." They suggest, "bringing it up over a nice bottle of wine while out at a romantic dinner or over cocktails in a dimly lit bar. And no need to actually use the term 'role play' if that sounds too hardcore to you (or your partner). Just say you've had a long-time fantasy, something you've been dying to try in the bedroom, and you'd love to make it happen with your partner."
A fun way to share fantasies without getting caught up on the delivery? Write them down on little pieces of paper, then pull one out of a hat the next time you're in the mood.
Once you’ve agreed on a fantasy to act out, there's no need to dive right into elaborate scenes that one or both of you might find overwhelming. Em & Lo advise starting small. "Even if your ultimate fantasy is a full operating room scenario complete with scrubs, a gurney and some instruments, just say you'd love to be his patient for an evening and have him examine you." They recommend giving your man some ideas, then letting him improvise instead of worrying about props and scripts at first.
But Em & Lo do think that wigs and costumes can be a big help towards getting into character. "An authentic-looking police uniform can make frisking come more naturally to you. Even a simple wig could be enough to make you feel uncharacteristically saucy." And if you're turned off by the idea of having a sit-down planning session, Em & Lo say that Halloween or your next costume party is the perfect opportunity to slip into role playing. "Make sure to take charge of the costumes you're both wearing. Then keep those costumes on when you get home and make your move. The role-playing will come much more naturally then. Even if you don't actually say or do anything in character, just the fact that you're having sex in costume will feel pretty hot."
Here are seven must-read tips for heating things up with some of the most popular sexual fantasies:
1. Dominance and submission. Thanks to Christian Grey, this role-playing scenario is going mainstream fast. Simply mentioning the cultural phenomenon is a great way to introduce the topic to your sweetie. Just be sure to set clear boundaries and educate yourself on the safety issues involved in even mild bondage by consulting one of the many available resources — including Em & Lo's 150 Shades of Play.
2. Teacher/student fantasy. Not only does this scenario let you and your partner play with power dynamics, it's also a great opportunity to give and receive pointers on technique. If you're not used to directing your man "a little to the left" under normal circumstances, you may find this scenario liberating.
3. Anonymous sex. This one is the best of both worlds — casual sex with someone you know and trust. Plan your meeting in advance (at your place or his), verify by text that you're still a-go, then meet up and let your eyes do the talking.
4. The vampire thing. Since sexy vamps have been having a pop culture moment for the past decade or so, this one is pretty easy to bring to your man's attention. Just watch your favorite scene from Twilight or True Blood with your honey, then communicate some variation of, "OK, that's hot."
5. Striptease. This is one you can probably just start doing and your man will get the gist and play along. Just turn on some music, and then enjoy how much he's enjoying the show.
6. Sex with a celebrity. It's not that most women really want to date George Clooney. It's just that he looks so damn good in a suit that you can't help but imagine him out of the suit. So dress to the nines for your next dinner date, and at the restaurant pretend you're grabbing a bite after a red carpet event. Just be sure to negotiate whether your going to call each other Brad and Angelina before you make it to the bedroom.
7. The lingerie model and the photographer. Thanks to digital cameras, we can indulge our exhibitionist impulses with the curtains drawn. Let him choreograph the photo shoot while you soak up the admiration.
In partnership with YourTango